What Codependency Actually Looks Like in Relationships
Have you ever felt like you lose yourself in your relationships? Like you give and give until there is nothing left? If so, you may be experiencing codependency. Understanding what it looks like is the first step toward healing and it may be showing up in your relationship right now.
What Is Codependency?
According to Pia Melody, codependency is "a learned behavior that develops from childhood experiences and results in difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem, setting functional boundaries, knowing what is true for you, and taking care of your own needs and wants."
Codependency exists on a spectrum and I believe most of us have some codependency tendencies. But when we move towards the far end of that spectrum and start experiencing higher levels of codependency, you may begin to:
Lose yourself in relationships
Measure your worth by what others think of you
Find yourself taking care of everyone around you just to feel okay about yourself
Where Does Codependency Come From?
Children have legitimate needs: attention, acceptance, allowing for differences, and affection. When these needs are not met, they start to look for them in everyone else around them. The child learns that in order to receive love they have to do something. Perform well, take care of a parent, stay small, quiet their voice, agree with others. The list is endless.
Later, they hand over their sense of self-worth to be defined by someone else. They give, appease, and caretake. They do and do and do until they are completely exhausted and no longer know who they are as a separate person. Their worth is tied to doing.
Underneath the codependency is a need the person may not even be aware of, and it is usually tied to self-worth. They try and try to get that need met through the people around them. When it is not met, exhaustion and resentment build. And then they try even harder.
What Does Codependency Look Like in Relationships?
Codependency shows up in all kinds of relationships. If you are in a romantic relationship and tend to have codependent behaviors you may;
Feel responsible for your partner's emotions
Say yes when you mean no to avoid conflict
Feel anxious when your partner is unhappy
Give constantly while resentment quietly builds underneath
Struggle to know what you actually want or need
Feel worthy only when you are needed
These patterns wear a relationship down over time. One partner may feel suffocated. The other may feel invisible. Communication breaks down. Distance grows. And both people are often confused about how they got there.
This is where couples counseling in Chino, CA or working with a therapist trained in couples intensives can help. Codependency in relationships is rarely a one-person issue. It lives in the dynamic between partners. And healing often happens most powerfully when both people are part of the process.
Are You Ready to Find Yourself Again?
The road to recovery is a slow process. Like ALL growth, the journey is slower than we would like it to be. But investing in the journey will be well worth your effort and time.
Here are some beginning steps:
Step 1: Start With Awareness
Nothing changes without awareness. Awareness is your first step.
Begin by recognizing how codependency shows up in your current relationships. Remember that this developed as a survival strategy. Shame will not benefit you. It is a way you learned to survive and it was smart of you to figure it out. Now it no longer serves you and you can recover!
Begin by noticing:
How am I trying to find my worth by doing for others or being what others want me to be?
When did my self-worth begin to be tied to other's approval?
What feelings come up right before I rescue, caretake, or try to control others?
When do I take responsibility for things that are not mine?
Step 2: Heal Childhood Wounds
Do you know a child? What do you know about them? Do you see their innocence, curiosity, magic? That child was also you!
This step is about reclaiming your inherent worth and dignity that ALL people possess. This step may need the help of individual therapy, couples counseling in Chino, CA, or believing what the people who love you already see in you. Best yet, it is about nurturing the child who still lives in you and allowing that child to hear the messages of worth and dignity that you may be blocking.
Here are some steps:
Acknowledge past hurts rather than brushing them aside
As cheesy as this may sound, find pictures of yourself as a child. Begin to be curious about her or him. Who was this child before the world defined her or him?
Begin to speak words that a healthy adult would say to this child within
Begin to journal to this younger part of you
We are all worthy and you are no exception! This new voice takes practice and patience and you can learn and grow
Step 3: Learn to Set Boundaries
When boundaries are not in place it can lead to exhaustion. You may start to take on the responsibility of others, you may not know when to stop and rest, or you may not be able to separate yourself from others' thoughts, opinions, beliefs, or definitions of who you are. Boundaries are the way back.
Here are some questions for reflection:
How am I taking on the responsibilities of others? What feelings come up in me when I jump in to rescue?
How am I doing and doing to my own detriment? How am I exhausting myself in an effort to gain self-worth? Where do I need to place boundaries around my time and energy?
This one is hard. Ready? Am I allowing others to experience the consequences of their own choices and behaviors? What feelings come up when I allow for this and who can support me here?
The goal is shifting from over-responsibility for others to appropriate responsibility for self.
You Are More Than What You Do for Others
Whew! That is a lot. I know! I have done a lot of work in my own codependency recovery and it is not simple in any way. But when you put in the effort and time, maybe working a 12 step program for extra support to boost your process, you will find peace. Peace in knowing without a doubt that your worth is not negotiable. You will stop doing and being everything to everyone and find a quiet place in your heart to know that you are good, you are more than enough, you have nothing to prove!
I am cheering you on in this journey of self-acceptance. I believe wholeheartedly you can grow.
When Codependency Is Affecting Your Relationship
Individual growth matters deeply. And sometimes the most powerful healing happens when both partners do the work together.
If codependency has created distance, resentment, or communication problems in your relationship, couples counseling in Chino, CA or a couples therapy intensive can help. These options give you and your partner a structured space to understand your patterns and start building something healthier together.
A couples intensive is especially helpful for partners who feel stuck. Instead of slowly uncovering the same dynamics week after week, an intensive gives you and your partner uninterrupted time to go deeper, practice new patterns, and experience real repair. Many couples leave feeling more connected than they have in years.
If you are ready to break the cycle, intensive couples therapy in Chino offers a focused and lasting path forward.
How to Get Started
Scheduling an intensive with me, a couples therapist, is simple:
Reach out to schedule a consultation
Complete questionnaires to help tailor your intensive
Work collaboratively with me to set your couples intesive schedule
Schedule a follow-up session at my therapy practice