Education, training, and counseling experience
Education, training, and counseling experience
Helping you create connection
Life is hectic. Schedules. Work. Kids. Parents. The pace can feel relentless. Maybe you and your partner are feeling the pressure and it impacts your relationship. Small discussions blow up into big arguments; these disagreements can start to feel repetitive. Or maybe you and your partner have just stopped talking about things you care about and have grown distant. Either way, both people are feeling the pain of a relationship they once treasured to one that no longer feels like a haven.
My Approach to Couples Therapy
Creating Connection Without Losing Yourself
You and your partner may be in a repetitive cycle of reaching out and pulling away. Now you feel more like roommates rather than romantic partners. You love each other, but struggle to feel understood, appreciated or emotionally close.
Partners can fear that if they fully show up and speak up authentically, they will either be left by their partner or a big argument will blow up. They can also fear that they will lose themselves in their relationship.
I help partners to show up authentically and hold on to themselves through a process called differentiation.
Learning to Be Yourself While Staying Connected
Differentiation is the important skill of being able to express your thoughts, feelings and beliefs without reactivity or self-abandonment. It is also the skill of holding steady when your partner’s thoughts, feelings and beliefs are different than yours. One of the foundations of my work is the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy, developed by Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson. I continue to train extensively in this model.
This model recognizes that healthy relationships require a balance between two important needs: the desire for closeness and the need to remain an individual. Couples struggle when they get to a stage in the relationship where differences emerge. I help couples develop the ability to express themselves honestly, listen with curiosity, tolerate differences, and stay emotionally connected even when they disagree. If this sounds challenging, it is, BUT this skill will help not only your partnership but every relationship in your life!
Understanding the Dance Between You
Every couple develops patterns of interacting. Many patterns develop from early attachment wounds from childhood. Some partners might avoid a conflict by moving away. It might have been a survival strategy that was effective when they were young. This moving away can trigger the other partner who moves closer, which is also a young survival strategy. This moving closer triggers the other partner to avoid and move away. And around and around the dance goes.
In our work together, we begin by identifying these patterns and understanding what happens beneath the surface. Rather than deciding who is right or wrong, we explore how each partner contributes to the cycle and what each person can do differently.
When Your Nervous System Takes Over
Using my training in somatic experiencing, I help couples understand the effect of their nervous system on their relationship. Depending on the state of your nervous system reactions can be quick and confusing. Words can seem more triggering leading to more reactivity.
Together, we learn to recognize the signals of emotional activation, slow down reactive patterns, and develop greater capacity to stay present and connected during challenging moments.
I help each of you develop a plan to help you regulate so that you can respond verses react in your relationships.
More Than Talking About Your Problems
My approach is active, collaborative, and experiential.
I don't want couples to spend every session simply reporting what went wrong during the week. This is where therapy stalls. I help you learn and practice new ways of communicating and connecting as we work together.
You will have opportunities to slow down difficult conversations, express yourself more clearly, listen differently, and experience what it feels like to respond to one another in new ways.
These experiences help turn insight into meaningful changes in your everyday relationship.
Creating the Relationship You Want
It is extremely painful to feel like you are walking on eggshells in your relationship. To feel that you are disconnected from the person who matters greatly in your life. And while painful, these experiences also present with opportunities for new growth individually and as a couple.
Couples therapy is about building a relationship where both people feel seen, respected, valued, and connected.
Whether you are navigating a difficult season, rebuilding trust, adjusting to a new stage of life, or simply longing for greater closeness, our work is about helping each of you move toward the relationship you want to create.
Ready to Begin?
If you are ready to move beyond the same old arguments and create a more connected relationship, I invite you to reach out and explore how we might work together.